two burns and a horrible stomach ache later

how my night ended, two burns, and my boyfriend having to cut my food for me, since i was handicapped. i know, i know, HUGE BRAT!

first i would like to start off with a suggestion, pinterest needs to have a please don’t try this at home warning under all images of food. with that said, i will tell you about my attempt to make a caprice dip with garlic bread, asparagus with balsamic tomatoes, chicken rollatini with spinach alla parmigiana (fancy, i know) and brownies for dessert. i don’t know if you know this about me but i can’t cook. no seriously, i can’t. i learned how to peel an onion during my third year of college, and that was ground breaking. eggs, i’ve perfected, well only scrambled, and anything i can heat up in the microwave I AM YOUR GIRL!

at this point i am sure you are asking yourself “why would you do that to yourself, and try and make a four course meal?” well duh cause i have a boyfriend and i need to let him know i can do other things than shop and complain. at least this was my grand idea around 4pm monday. did all the grocery shopping during lunch, i even chopped up the tomatoes, i was ready to take on my kitchen as soon as i got home from work. all i kept thinking was “go big or go home.”

what i should have done was order out. first i took out all the ingredients, so far so good. i decided to start with the chicken rollatini with spinach alla parmigiana (i love the name) since it took the longest. well after the third attempt of adding ingredients, then realizing i added the wrong ingredient to that bowl and it was supposed to go in another bowl, i finally got it… or so i thought. it wasn’t until i had to bread the chicken that i realized thaaaats why i needed the egg, and it wasn’t supposed to be in the spinach concoction i made. whoops, hope he doesn’t notice. as i stare at the chicken, which the directions clearly said i wouldn’t need toothpicks to hold them together, and that they would easily stick – yeah my ass, my chicken con spinach looked NOTHING like the picture. a perfect example of a “nailed it” image.

the chicken goes into the oven, and i start on the asparagus, which was pretty easy. some how i managed to cook the asparagus, prepare the mozzarella for the caprice dip and make the brownie batter all while the chicken was baking. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW WOMEN DO THIS! i seriously have a new found respect for mothers who work all day, and have dinner on the table for their husbands, cause that sure as hell ain’t going to be me. chicken is done. asparagus is done, table is set and all that is left is the easiest thing, the caprice dip, which at this point has turned into my enemy. the cheese wouldn’t melt, or it did melt but it all stuck together and didn’t quite look like a dip, more like a block of cheese. FAIL. now i take the dish out of the scorching hot oven and as i am doing this i almost drop the dish, so what is my first reaction “hey superwoman, the dish isn’t hot, you didn’t just take it out of the oven, lets just grab it with your bare hand.” obviously, i curse everything in sight, and promise myself I WILL NEVER COOK AGAIN! hmph. i mean it’s not for everyone right. some people can’t swim, others can’t ride a bike, i can’t cook. there i said it, I CAN’T COOK!

my boyfriend was a good sport, and ate the food with a smile on his face.  he did inform me that he woke up in the middle of the night with the worst stomach ache of his life… oh well, at least he didn’t die. (as you can tell i am the cup half full kinda girl) but i now have two of the worst burns i have ever had in my life, the food kind of resembled food, and i did not have to call miami-dade fire rescue, so i guess that’s a plus.oh wait, and my boyfriend told me i never have to cook for him again, mission accomplished.

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you ain’t sexy, and i know it.

what is it about men that gives them this utter confidence to think they are hot shit and can just do as they please. i am in disbelief right now and hope that i am not the only one. you go out, you meet a guy, you have great conversation, you then give him your number.. if he calls, he calls, if he doesn’t who cares. (at least that’s how i look at it..) so lets just say this guy does end up contacting you the next day…. you exchange a few texts, ya know … no biggie. day two of texting rolls around and after the “hello, how was your day text” you receive a picture.. and no not of him smiling, or of one of those funny/sarcastic ecards that one loves to receive (hint.. hint). this picture was of  him without his shirt on. WHAT THE FUCK? seriously? one, i did not ask for you to send me this picture, two i could have definitely done w. out it, unless you are sporting a six pack that looks absolutely delish (please refer to picture A below), then do not send shirtless pictures of yourself to anyone besides yo mama – unless, of course one asks for them.

the worst thing about this entire situation, is that this isn’t the first time a guy has done this. just because a girl has a conversation with you, DOES NOT MEAN SHE WANTS TO BONE YOU. i can’t grasp the way a man thinks. i just don’t get it. am i crazy? is it me who feels that this is completely uncalled for and out of line? are girls doing this? are they just sending pictures of themselves half naked saying “hey check it out, i just went HAM at the gym,” cause if they are, ladies please put your shirts back on and take one for the team. if i see one more unattractive picture sent to my cell phone i might have to gouge my eyes out.

picture a:

sexy six pack ryan gosling

point is, if you look like this, then please mass text me every shirtless picture you take. but if you don’t, then keep it to yourself. THANKKSSS.

those three little words..

lets say something happens to you, something you think is huge… maybe in others eyes it is just a small little problem but in your eyes, this something is catastrophic and you feel as if your world is coming to an end. you turn to your friends for support and before you tell them your problem you say those three magic words, “don’t. tell. anyone.” within minutes you look at your cell phone and everyone you have known since middle school is texting you with “omg are you okay”. (okay, fine i am exaggerating…not since middle school, but all your close friends, and their close friends and maybe their close friends have found out your latest drama.) why is it when you say “don’t tell anyone” it is as if those words are code for: yes, spread my business all over town after i just asked you not to tell a soul. i have a few friends, (who i am sure are reading this right now, and YES, I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU), who do not know the meaning of the phrase, “don’t tell anyone.” even the most obscure people end up finding out. like really? how? well this is how, simple equation. blabber mouth tells x+y+z, then x+y+z each tell their own x+y+z, then those tell a few more and bam, everyone within a 30 mile radius has just found out. how do you solve this equation, eliminate your friend… haha, if only it was that simple.. i guess this would be my (your) own fault. you think after the 13435234578864th time it has happened, you would stop telling that friend your secrets… but for some reason you just keep going back and hoping that maybe after the -insert number above here- they will finally shut their trap and not tell anyone. but i have figured out how to avoid your business from making it front page news. nonchalantly, as if it is no big deal, say your problem. whatever you do, don’t put any emphasis on what the problem really is. push comes to shove, come up with another issue and say, “omg don’t tell anyone” about that situation, then sneak attack the real issue at hand. when you don’t make a big deal about what you don’t want others to talk about, they seem to not care.. as soon as those three words escape your mouth, everything around you seems to stop, and all ears are on you. every precise detail has now been recorded and will be on repeat for the next week and a half.

moral of the story, avoid using phrases like “don’t tell anyone,” and while we are on that subject, avoid at all costs saying, “don’t look” because that is an open invitation to stare at whatever it is you don’t want them to look at.

eff you disney, eff you.

i need new friends. okay that sounded a little mean. i don’t really need new friends, i love the ones i have with all my heart but they are completely making me give up on love. each and every one of them, is in the process of going through a failed relationship. (with the exception of like two). from boyfriends cheating, to their significant other falling out of love with them, to guys not putting in enough effort.. i seriously am looking at the whole spectrum here. i hear this all day long, every day. it makes wanting to be in a relationship, the absolute last thing i would ever do. why would you set your self up to get hurt? no thanks. a friend of mine was saying “how am i supposed to allow myself to like a guy when i feel like his only intention is to get in my pants” … thankkkk you! girls have to question a guys motive, probably because our guy friends have a one track mind, so we think ALL guys are like that. at least the ones who i deal with. ugh. aggravation at its fullest. i have met plenty guys, its like the same personality with a different face. the same pick up lines. the same stupid questions. you’d think it was a trend with miami guys, that they have this stupid mentality, they are arrogant and self centered, that they only care about themselves, but no its not just miami guys.. its all guys. from new york, to boston, to seattle to vegas… it doesn’t matter they have let my friends and i down.

i blame our hope for prince charming on disney. thank you for instilling the thought of finding mr.right, mr. ill come sweep you off of your feet, or even mr. ill chase you down when you lose your glass slipper. that is the problem with girls, we think we live in a movie. we think when we get in a fight with a guy they are going to fight til the death for us, that they will show up on our door step with a dozen roses apologizing for being an asshole. but guys aren’t like that. so thanks disney for leaving us with false hope. allowing us to grow up with the idea and dream of finding our prince, one who will love us unconditionally and treat us like a princess. it is your fault, that we are left with broken hearts and empty promises. we expect the grand gestures and when we don’t get them, we end up broken. this is why so many people end up in shitty relationships, because we still hope they will change. we hope they will turn into our prince charming. we try to copy what we grew up watching. is a happily ever after so much to ask?

all i am asking is for one trip on a magic carpet so mr. right can show me the world, to kiss that frog who will change my life or to fall asleep from taking a bite of an apple i had bought at windixie, only to be awaken by a kiss from my soul mate. i wouldn’t even mind losing a pair of expensive shoes at midnight if that means meeting any guy who isnt like a guy i have already met. now, is that too much to ask? i blame you ariel, and the rest of the make believe gang for why i don’t have a boyfriend. i have made these unrealistic expectations of what i want my boyfriend to be like, and no one even comes close to meeting them.

should i answer it?

i was out to dinner recently, and unintentionally while i was “listening” to a story that i probably didn’t care too much about, my eyes started wandering around the restaurant watching individuals around me. have you ever sat down at a restaurant and just people watched? if you haven’t, next time you should. most likely you will see the same thing at every table, regardless if it is a group of friends out, a couple in love or a family out to dinner, everyone is drowned in their cell phones. is this okay? what ever happened to spending quality time with people? technology is seriously taking over every aspect of our lives. and it isn’t just with people my age, my parents are worse than me! my dad, is iphone obsessed. he sits there while we are at dinner and plays with it. then it is like a chain reaction, my mom takes hers out and i take mine out. so the three of us are sitting at a table, not speaking to each other wrapped up in our phones. i think there should be a rule, no one is allowed to text inside of a restaurant. i first noticed the cell phone isolation problem that night i was at dinner with my parents, but it wasn’t until i was being forced to listen to that oh so interesting story, that it hit me and i was in complete shock. that chain reaction i was talking about, i saw it right before my eyes. there were a group of about seven people sitting at a table close to mine. i started listening to their conversation, because mine was boring dragging on, until one girl reached into her purse, pulled out her phone to check it, and then there it went. one by one everyone started getting out their phones. going on facebook, twitter, texting etc. i couldn’t believe it. i didn’t know what i was more upset about, not being able to ease drop or have to continue listening to the shit coming out of this guys mouth in front of me. but in all seriousness, that is so sad. you’re out with friends but instead you would rather talk to people who aren’t there? the leave your cell phone in your purse / pocket embargo has begun!

technology doesn’t just stop there, what happened to a good ol fashion letter? i can’t even remember the last time i got a letter in the mail that wasn’t a bill, UF asking me for money, or the stupid credit cards upping my limit.. and what ever happened to talking on the phone? i miss those days where i would chit chat for hours upon hours on the phone. now, pah.. you should see how many roll over minutes i have! i have grown to hate it. texting is so impersonal.. sending something like “hey i am running late” should be what texting is used for, but instead, now it is used to get to know someone? really? so what are we supposed to do, just succumb to using hangouts on google+ as a way to hangout with our friends from the comfort of our own homes. is it going to get to a point where i can eat lunch and facetime my friend in boston, who is at lunch too. would i consider that eating w. someone? it is great to be able to facetime with boyfriends or girlfriends who live far away, and it is incredible that you can pretty much use technology to your advantage for a lot of long distance relationships, whether it is with a family memeber, friend or significant other. technology closes the gap, and seems to make thousands of miles dissappear. but there is a time and a place for that, and when you are out with people, that should not be the time nor the place.

who do you think you are, running around leaving scars.

lately i have been in a writing slump, my creative juices have just not been flowing. i want to write, but i have nothing to write about. i could ramble on about kim kardashian and her divorce, but that is soooo last week and not really news worthy anymore, besides i think every media outlet has beaten that to death. i could also talk about my amazing dress i bought this weekend for my cousin’s wedding next weekend, or my new shoes that i am completely obsessed with… (i have included a picture of them though, don’t worry i wouldn’t leave that out). i can talk about my weekend and how sloppy i got… how my butt must have seen the pavement about 24 times on saturday. gravity was fighting against me and i just was unable to keep my balance. i could also talk about my night out with a friend on friday. we went out to dinner with a few other friends who were in from out-of-town. i really find it interesting how many different cultures there are in this world. being cooped up in miami you tend to just see the same culture, just altered a little depending on geographical location. i met someone from trinidad and tobago. it is crazy that they speak english but it sounds nothing like english. they pronounce words so different from us. my friend and i were straining our ears to make out what they were saying. i can ramble on about how ridiculous i get when i am drunk. whyyyyy do i find the need to text when i am drunk? seriously all i want to do is ostrich my head anywhere. morning after, i feel like a complete moron. to top it off i have no idea why i say the things i say, especially to someone who doesn’t deserve it. i hate expressing my feelings to a certain guy, when he can’t even man up and say how he feels back, whether he feels the same way or doesn’t, either way is fine… he just says nothing and responds with shit like “my phone died”. thankssssss, i sat here and grew balls, said how i felt for it to be followed by “my phone died”. waste of time. this is why the single life is for me. no one can make me as happy as i make myself. at least no man can. my friends yes, my family of course.. but that is it. from there on id rather ride solo. it is crazy how you can believe the things that are told to you, when the intentions of others don’t even match your intentions. i always go back to this, but i don’t see why everything in relationships has to be a game. one of my friends recently broke up with her lovaaah. she is so distraught. relationships are so hard and overwhelming. i think if you have to work so hard to make it work then it will never be a fully successful one. if you like someone, or love someone, depending on your situation it should be easy. the feeling would be mutual, you would both want to spend time together. you would both want to see each other. you would both make the effort to make it work. if one is fighting for it more than the other, thats when you need to reevaluate the situation and walk away. if it is meant to be, it will be, if not, keep calm, carry on… there is another waiting on the sidelines for you. i told my friend the other day, if you are worried about being alone, or worried about not finding someone that you will love just as much as your ex, you are insane. there are 7 billion people out there, if you think there is only one person for you than you are highly mistaken, and those are some shitty odds.

talk to the hand

pride. /praɪd/ Show Spelled [prahyd]; noun, verb, prid·ed, prid·ing: the state or feeling of being proud.

pride can cause personal distruction. it can cause pain on others and to yourself. being prideful about certain things is great, but when it comes to relationships, those with family, friends or even a significant other, pride can completely ruin that relationship. some think that if you give in, you look weak, but i honestly feel that if you give in you are still fighting for something or someone you believe in. wouldn’t you rather try and resolve an issue instead of not speaking to someone because of your pride.. i think people need to learn to let things go. people need to admit they are wrong when they are wrong. this is where i feel the whole pride issue comes into play, people who are wrong, are stubborn and just can’t admit it. if that is the case and you want to stick to your ground, think about the things you will lose instead of what you will gain.

of course i am not going to sit here and say that i have never let my pride get the best of me, but as i have gotten older, i have come to realize i would rather discuss the situation at hand and talk about it, rather than stick to the silent treatment. sometimes you don’t need to apologize to show you care.

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.” – john ruskin

**photo circa halloween 1990.

you and i collide

what i love about being single is feeding off of my friends messed up relationships and learning from them. when you are in a relationship is it necessary to spend all your time with that one person? is that even healthy? i have been single for so long now that i honestly get an anxiety attack thinking about seeing that someone 15 out of the 24 hours of the day, every day. isn’t the purpose of a relationship individuality? you know two different lives coming together to form one.. but how is that possible if you don’t let each other be an individual. does every night have to be date night? does every night have to be with each other? what happened to having your own friends? it is great when your significant other can be friends with your friends, but why can’t you have solo time with your friends? note to self: i will never be that kind of girl.

i have other friends who keep going back to the same guy, break up after break up. i was that girl once upon a time, but since then i have learned that once you break up with someone, that’s it, end it. you broke up for a reason and quite frankly you can’t change a person. the problem is going to remain, unless you are one of the lucky few that does change that person, but is it a permanent change, or will the problem arise down the line?

all in all, if he is into you, or if she is into you… they will show it. you can only give so much until you realize if they don’t show it, sometime soon it is time to move on and find another victim. there are 6 billion people out there, you don’t need to cry over one.