two burns and a horrible stomach ache later

how my night ended, two burns, and my boyfriend having to cut my food for me, since i was handicapped. i know, i know, HUGE BRAT!

first i would like to start off with a suggestion, pinterest needs to have a please don’t try this at home warning under all images of food. with that said, i will tell you about my attempt to make a caprice dip with garlic bread, asparagus with balsamic tomatoes, chicken rollatini with spinach alla parmigiana (fancy, i know) and brownies for dessert. i don’t know if you know this about me but i can’t cook. no seriously, i can’t. i learned how to peel an onion during my third year of college, and that was ground breaking. eggs, i’ve perfected, well only scrambled, and anything i can heat up in the microwave I AM YOUR GIRL!

at this point i am sure you are asking yourself “why would you do that to yourself, and try and make a four course meal?” well duh cause i have a boyfriend and i need to let him know i can do other things than shop and complain. at least this was my grand idea around 4pm monday. did all the grocery shopping during lunch, i even chopped up the tomatoes, i was ready to take on my kitchen as soon as i got home from work. all i kept thinking was “go big or go home.”

what i should have done was order out. first i took out all the ingredients, so far so good. i decided to start with the chicken rollatini with spinach alla parmigiana (i love the name) since it took the longest. well after the third attempt of adding ingredients, then realizing i added the wrong ingredient to that bowl and it was supposed to go in another bowl, i finally got it… or so i thought. it wasn’t until i had to bread the chicken that i realized thaaaats why i needed the egg, and it wasn’t supposed to be in the spinach concoction i made. whoops, hope he doesn’t notice. as i stare at the chicken, which the directions clearly said i wouldn’t need toothpicks to hold them together, and that they would easily stick – yeah my ass, my chicken con spinach looked NOTHING like the picture. a perfect example of a “nailed it” image.

the chicken goes into the oven, and i start on the asparagus, which was pretty easy. some how i managed to cook the asparagus, prepare the mozzarella for the caprice dip and make the brownie batter all while the chicken was baking. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW WOMEN DO THIS! i seriously have a new found respect for mothers who work all day, and have dinner on the table for their husbands, cause that sure as hell ain’t going to be me. chicken is done. asparagus is done, table is set and all that is left is the easiest thing, the caprice dip, which at this point has turned into my enemy. the cheese wouldn’t melt, or it did melt but it all stuck together and didn’t quite look like a dip, more like a block of cheese. FAIL. now i take the dish out of the scorching hot oven and as i am doing this i almost drop the dish, so what is my first reaction “hey superwoman, the dish isn’t hot, you didn’t just take it out of the oven, lets just grab it with your bare hand.” obviously, i curse everything in sight, and promise myself I WILL NEVER COOK AGAIN! hmph. i mean it’s not for everyone right. some people can’t swim, others can’t ride a bike, i can’t cook. there i said it, I CAN’T COOK!

my boyfriend was a good sport, and ate the food with a smile on his face.  he did inform me that he woke up in the middle of the night with the worst stomach ache of his life… oh well, at least he didn’t die. (as you can tell i am the cup half full kinda girl) but i now have two of the worst burns i have ever had in my life, the food kind of resembled food, and i did not have to call miami-dade fire rescue, so i guess that’s a plus.oh wait, and my boyfriend told me i never have to cook for him again, mission accomplished.

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